Yoga and Stuff.

Some days, I feel like I might be a step closer to living a truly yogic, sutra aligned life.  And other days, like today, I just want an iPad.

When I was in my teens, I used to be a typical zoned out...well...teenager. The moment I got home from school (which, notably, I attended from 7:00am to 6:00pm, including all my rehearsals and extra groups)  I lived to zone out in front of the TV, surf the web for nothing, and claim that I was doing my homework all the while.

After that, a few years into college, I decided to start weaning myself off of my technology dependence, partly to save money, partly to save sanity.  First we (my ex-boyfriend, and now dear friend) and I quit having cable TV, which was fabulous.  No more advertising meant I wanted and "needed" to buy less, which meant I began the process of not comparing my insides to other people's outsides.  Then, we cancelled our internet.  That was hard.  That meant we had to really just be together when we were together, which is a whole other blog post.


Since then, I've fallen madly in love with my partner, who is an extraordinary man.  He also happens to be an IT professional, (the acronym really should be I.[I].T.A.T.T., professional, for "Information [Internet] Technology All The Time") which means that we most definitely require high speed internet at home. He also watches a lot of TV shows online (we both decided against having cable at home) and I have gotten back into them as well.


I admit, parts of this reconnection to the e-world I deeply enjoy, and parts of it make me feel icky.  I was doing so very well without TV shows, and eventually without internet.  I was so productive and sane. I was also quite happy without exposure to so many of the commercials and the subtle (and gross) messages that tell me I am not enough, I don't do enough, and I need more Stuff in my life.


I still try to temper my usage of these tools and treat them as just that: tools.  However, I also appreciate convenience and things that make my life easier.  As an up and coming yoga teacher in the 21st century in perhaps the most competitive market in the world, making myself a visible entity on the internet is an unfortunate but necessary part of my job. I facebook. I tweet. I blog. (I do like blogging, readers!)


Hence, my lust for an iPad.  I won't go into the reasons I want one, as Apple does an excellent job advertising it's product without any help from me.  However, there are many ways it would be useful, from it's abilities as an e-reader to it being the most lightweight form of computer for one who can't carry anything heavier than a few pounds without risking spine reinjury. Plus, oh yes, it's shiny and cool.


Sutra 1.15 says that "When the mind loses desire even for objects [...] it acquires a state of utter (vashikara) desirelessness that is called non-attachment (vairagya)."

The sutras lead you, step by step, to attaining oneness with the universe and connecting with your true self.  On days like today, I realize how utterly far away I am from that goal, and how Earthly bound I truly am.  This realization does make me realize and appreciate my vulnerability and utter humanity.

For today, I choose to both accept myself as I am today as being exactly where I am supposed to be, but also start working on releasing my attachment to objects that will not actually bring me any joy or satisfaction that I can't find in my own self and heart.

But maybe I'll work on that more after I get my iPad.

Have a peaceful week!

Namaste.

My year of self-acceptance.

So, I just turned 24 a week ago.  And I've decided to give myself the best birthday present ever.


I'm slender enough and have a beautiful body, and yet I spend so much time telling myself that I have to loose weight, that my love handles spill over my jeans, and that my abs are flabby.  Everything I eat I wonder if the skinny people in my life would eat, and I often can barely enjoy my food.


I'm incredibly happy as a yoga teacher, and yet I beat myself up constantly for not yet having a master's degree, and wonder if being a yoga teacher is "good enough." I tell myself that my own happiness is not enough, that I should in fact be earning hundreds of thousands of dollars to save for "the future."


I love practicing yoga, and yet I rarely truly allow myself to enjoy it, because of my chronic pain, and because my body is so tight. I spend so much time focusing on what I can't do in asana that I don't enjoy the things that I can do, or that I have been able to add to my practice, due to abhyasa (practice) and vairagya (non-attachment) like gomukhasana arms.  Six months ago, my fingers were miles from each other, and now they touch on both sides.  Do I enjoy that and support myself in that? Of course not. I'm too busy telling myself that I can't be a good teacher because I can't do a hand-stand. Fun times.


I absolutely adore my partner, who is brilliant and wonderful beyond measure.  Yet, I spend so much of my time beating myself up for the fact that he is smarter than me, that he contributes more to the relationship than I do (and no, I have no idea what that means) that I often feel like I don't get to enjoy the precious time we spend together, because I am so obsessed with doing, being and having enough.


So, for my birthday, I have decided that I am giving myself a gift that I, as well as everyone, absolutely deserve.  I am going to accept myself EXACTLY AS I AM, one day at a time, with love and compassion.

Yay Self-Acceptance!

I am going to enjoy my food and continue to make nurturing choices that are not based solely on calories, but also on taste and how it makes my body feel.


I am going to let go of my need to make more money. When I don't tell the universe to give me what I want, it always (ALWAYS) give me what I need.


I am going to release the results of my yoga practice, and continue to play and grow however I can, honoring my tight and still injured body. I will do what I can to stop competing in class, and be on my own mat and love it.


I am going to let my beloved be his own beautiful self, and not try to emulate him.  Instead, I will honor him and his profoundly loving treatment of me by trying to see myself the way he sees me - as a beautiful, wonderful, smart and passionate woman who contributes enough just by being myself.


The oddest thing is, after a week of living this way, I find myself doing more cardio exercise, which I had constantly beaten myself up for not doing for months.  I find my food is cleaner, and I am having much more fun.


As my birthday "goodie bag" to all of you, I wish more than anything to give you this gift too.  Just for one day, see what it would be like to passionately and absolutely adore yourself no matter what.  Tell the constant vrittis (mind-stuff) that tell you you aren't enough to politely bugger off, and do something nice for yourself, just because.


See what happens!

My Sphere of Influence

My boyfriend is absolutely brilliant. I really mean it.  Issues and problems that I struggle and wrestle with, he seems to inherently understand, and know exactly how to deal with them.  He is simple one of those people who draws in the energy and resources he needs, and puts them to good use.


One of his key tools for dealing with any problem is one that I have since borrowed and use almost every day.  When a situation comes up that seems difficult to handle or challenging to fix, he looks at it and asks a simple question:  "Is this in my sphere of influence, or is this not?"  If it is, he moves forward with finding a solution.  If not, he lets it go.

A sphere of influence. Note, this is not at ALL a plug for Anthony van der Hoorn's photography. Photo credit: Midday, by Anthony van der Hoorn, Anthonyvanderhoorn.com.

Ah, letting go.  What a subtle and complicated art form that can be.  We muse so much in yoga about vairagya (non-attachment) but then, we come to a pose that is particularly challenging for us, and we fight against our own bodies to wriggle ourselves into some semblance of the pose, often foregoing common sense or safety to do so.  Or, off the mat, we stress and worry about if we're getting a promotion at work, if the guy will call, when that purse will go on sale, or thousands of other little problems that we ooze energy dealing with instead of letting the universe take care of it.


This is what I tell my students.  (And, of course, myself.) Today, where we are, we have very little control over our level of flexibility or strength. Both of those things take a great deal of time and japa (repetition) to build.  In the context of a yoga class, you really can't get too much more flexible, or much stronger, in that moment. However, in each session, we can choose to deeply focus on the things within our personal sphere of influence.  When you are transitioning from pose to pose, are you just thinking about getting there, or on bringing mindfulness to the space between the asanas?  When you stand in poses that are familiar to you,  do you rely on your old habits to get you there, or try to learn something new?  Transitions, mindfulness, and single-pointed attention - all of these things, as yoga practitioners, are in our sphere of influence.  


An invitation:  Just for your next yoga class, let go of the need to improve at the asana itself, and focus simply on the things that you can directly control.   Center your mind on making the transitions as clean as possible, on being mindful of the subtleties held within each pose, and keeping your mind focused on your own mat.  You may be surprised by what you find.


Have a gorgeous night, and keep practicing!


Kat

Adventures in Ashtanga - Yoga for the everyday teenage boy?

I'm currently in the last part of my 200 hour teacher training at YogaWorks, led by the majestically wonderful Chrissy Carter and Jenny Aurthur.  I'm sure I'll write a whole entry (or four) devoted to how amazing they are, and how much they have both changed my practice.  Before I started my 200 hour training, I was "teaching yoga" privately to some of my personal training clients. Now, of course, I realize that while I thought I was teaching yoga, it was much closer to, "hey, we're both in the same English class - want me to help you with your homework?" than actually teaching.  With the 200 hour training, I feel vastly more confident and able to offer concrete tools to my students, who thankfully are growing in number rapidly.


Anyways, during yesterday's teacher training, we had an Ashtanga practice, led by Jenny. 

Jenny Aurthur, one of my teachers.  She is, to put it mildly, BADASS.

 Ashtanga yoga, created by Sri K. Pattabhi Jois, is a fascinating form of yoga that is meant to be practiced six days a week, in a set series of poses, usually at your own pace (So, not let by a teacher.)  It is vigorous and athletic, originally created for teenage boys to release excess energy.  (For more information on the practice, you can read more here.)  The YogaWorks method is a combination of Ashtanga and Iyengar yoga, so it was a great experience to have a "pure" Ashtanga practice.


This was one of the more difficult practices I have ever attempted.  Ok, let's be honest - it was by FAR the hardest practice I have ever attempted.  Five surya namaskara A's  (and no, mine does not look quite like that), five surya namaskara B's (nor that), followed by more vinyasas (complete with jump forwards and jump backs) than I could shake a stick at.  I could barely get through half the postures, and the other half didn't look quite so elegant, either.  I realized about 20 minutes into it, I had two choices for the practice - laugh or cry.  It would have been very easy to just give up or be miserable or self-criticising, but thanks both to Jenny and Chrissy's humor-filled attitude, and my own growth in the past few months, I treated Ashtanga like a playground of discovery.  The most fascinating part of the practice was, there were quite a few areas that I had previously been struggling with that just came naturally during Ashtanga simply because I didn't have time to think about them.


Anyways, it was really an adventure and an experience I am so grateful for.  In particular, I am so grateful that I chose the YogaWorks method, which makes the most sense for my particular body and spirit - it's thoughtful, alignment based, adventurous, playful and athletic.  The Ashtanga sequence was also a great opportunity to practice vairagya (literally colorlessness, more regularly translated as "non-attachment") and just let the practice be what it was without judgement. Of course, that didn't quite happen, but it was a nice thing to try, anyway.


Have a great day, and keep practicing!


Kat


P.S. To see what it's like to take a class with Jenny (a YogaWorks, non-Ashtangi class, that is!) check this out - it's FABULOUS!